


You remind me of the babe

by ko_writes



Category: Cabin Pressure, Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Acting, M/M, Puzzles, Underestimated!Martin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-05 14:49:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3124136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ko_writes/pseuds/ko_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Douglas wants the Goblin King to take Arthur away right now! But why is Martin standing in the balcony doorway?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Turn back while you still can

   Douglas was in his hotel room. It was an idyllic setting, warm and inviting. The late afternoon sun washed the cream walls and white linen sheets with a pink glow. He was dressed in the luxury of a flowing white shirt that puffed at the sleeves and was nipped in at the wrists – like Romeo or Prince Charming. The pink light caught the small gold crown he wore on his head and made it glow. "Give me the boy. Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great…" He paused, "For my will is as strong as yours… my kingdom is great… Damn! I can never remember that line!" He pulled a book - The Labyrinth - out of his pocket and opened it, "You have no power over me."

   There was a knock at the door. “Douglas!” Carolyn, who else?

   Douglas hurried to the door, careful to stay in character and unlocked it, revealing an exasperated boss, “Douglas, where have you been?! You were supposed to be in my room an hour ago to baby-sit for Arthur! Don't we at least deserve an explanation?” Carolyn asked

   Douglas spoke with a melodramatic solemnity, “No, because I'm an adult.” With that, he turned back into his room, hanging the ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door, quickly. He didn’t want to look after Arthur so Carolyn and Herc could go to the hotel bar for a drink.

Herc came up behind Carolyn, putting an arm around her shoulder. “What's that all about?”

   “He doesn't want to look after Arthur,” Carolyn began to raise her voice, “But that's no reason to –”

   Douglas opened the door. “Chasten not your King, Peasant!” He announced before dramatically slamming his door, locking it after him. He leaned against it, playing the scene. “She's not my mother,” Douglas mumbled to himself. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He could hear footsteps and someone – obviously Carolyn – came to the other side of the door. Douglas ignored her and kicked off his shoes.

   “Douglas, when I tell you to be in my room at five, I expect you to in my room at five.”

   Douglas quickly shifted to Carolyn’s attitude – hands on his hips, and silently mimes her words before replying, “Yes, Madame!”

   “And don't ‘Yes Madam’ me!” Carolyn yelled.

   “Is he all right?” Herc asked.

   “Of course he's all right!” Carolyn snapped. "I just give up!” She announced and hurried down the corridor.

   “We'll see you later, Douglas,” Herc called.

   Douglas heard them leave in the lift across from his room. He walked over to the mirror, checked himself out and adjusted the golden crown which had been knocked askew by slamming the door.

   Douglas put the music box he bought in that side-street shop for his daughter on the nightstand. He opened it – revealing the twirling male dancer, dressed in a sparkling white shirt, white leggings and white ballet shoes, inside – and, to the strains of an unbearably tinny version of ‘Greensleeves’, he began look through his suitcase before growling, "Someone has been in my suitcase again!"

   He remembered the soft toy Polar Bear he had bought as well, and the fact it definitely had not been in there.

~*~

   Douglas burst out of his room. “Where is it?” He stomped down the hallway. “Where's my daughter’s bear?!”

   Douglas entered Arthur's room and searched it. “Hello, Douglas,” the steward greeted, oblivious.

   “Nobody listens to a thing I say!” Douglas seethed, and Arthur flinched. He opened Arthur’s suitcase and rifled through it. “How many times have I told you to stay out of my suitcase?!” He turned to see Arthur cautiously holding out the toy to him. “Just give me back my daughter’s bear!” He snatched the toy from Arthur's hands.

   "I'm sorry, Douglas!" Arthur tried to apologise, but Douglas ignored him.

   "Someone save me, someone take me away from this awful airdot!" The storm continued to build outside and Arthur began to sniff and whine, "What do you want? Do you want a story? Huh? Ok. Once upon a time there was a handsome First Officer who's boss and Captain always made him stay in the hotel with the steward. And the steward was a spoiled child and he wanted everything for himself, and the First Officer was practically a slave. But what no one knew was that the king of the goblins had fallen in love with the First Officer and he had given him certain powers. So one night, when the steward had been particularly cruel to him he asked the goblins for help."

   In the Goblin City, many of the goblins were asleep, but one of them heard Douglas begin. Would tonight be the night? "Listen!" He ordered - more like a hiss with his raspy voice - and the others began to wake.

   Douglas continued to tell the story, "'Say your right words,' the Goblin's said, 'And we'll take the steward to the Goblin City and you will be free.'"

   "Ah!" The goblins gasped. 

   "But the First Officer was clever; he knew that the king of the goblins would keep the steward in his castle forever and ever, and turn it into a goblin. So he suffered in silence until one night when he was tired from a day of flying, hurt by the harsh words of his boss and he could no longer stand it -" Arthur continued to cry, "Oh, fine! Fine!" He put an arm around the steward's shoulders and pulled him in for a reluctant, one shouldered hug, "Shut up. Come on. Stop it! Stop it! I'll say the words! No, I mustn't. I mustn't say…"

   "Uh!" The goblins drew closer to the vision.

   "I wish… I wish…" Douglas began.

   "He's going to say it!" One of the goblins beamed.

   "Say what?" Another asked.

   "Shut up!" The first one ordered.

   "You shut up!" One more hissed

   "Listen! He's going to say the words!" The first smiled wickedly.

   "I can bear no longer!" Douglas announced dramatically over the storm and hiccupping Arthur, "Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be, take this child of mine far away from me!"

   "That's not it! Where'd he learn that rubbish. It doesn't even start with I wish!" The third goblin moaned.

   "Oh, Arthur, stop it! I wish I did know what to say to make the goblins take you away!" Douglas groaned. He let go of Arthur and walked to the door.

   "'I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now.' That's not hard is it?" The third goblin growled.

   "I wish… I wish…" Douglas began again, trying to think of what it might be.

   "Did he say it?" The second goblin asked.

   "Shut up!" The rest hissed.

   Arthur pulled the sheets over his head and continued to cry as Douglas reached the door. "I wish the goblins would come and take you away…" He turned off the light, "Right now." Suddenly, the crying stopped. "Arthur? Arthur, are you all right? Why aren't you crying? **Arthur**?"

   Douglas walked back over to the bed, pulled off the sheet, and it was empty.

   Several goblins jumped and weaved in and out of their hiding spaces as Douglas keeps turned around and around to try and see what was happening. A snowy owl banged against the glass balcony door, trying to get in. Suddenly the door burst open and Douglas covered his face as the owl flew in, but he could see the bird's shadow elongate and morph into a human shape. He slowly uncovered his eyes.

   It was Martin. He was taller; was wearing a long black leather coat, black patent waistcoat, black jodhpurs and black knee-high boots; his hair was still ginger, but straight with a long fringe that covered his right eye and black and neon highlights; and his cheeks were brushed with glitter and his eyes were bordered with a blaze of midnight blue eye shadow. He looked like a new romantic from the eighties. "Martin?!"

   "Ah... There's my First Officer," Martin stroked a leather gloved hand across Douglas' cheek.

   "You're him aren't you? You're the Goblin King," Douglas asked, but Martin said nothing, "I want Arthur back if it's all the same."

   "What's said is said," Martin smiled smugly.

   "But, I didn't mean it," Douglas insisted.

   "Oh, you didn't?" Martin asked in faux-innocence.

   "Please, where is he?" Douglas sighed.

   "You know very well where he is," Martin stated heavily.

   "Please bring him back."

   "Douglas… go back to your room. Play with your scripts and costumes… forget about Arthur."

   "I can't," Douglas glared.

   "I've brought you a gift," Martin smiled, changing the subject; he held up a crystal ball. "It's a crystal," The crystal moved over his hands effortlessly, "Nothing more. But if you turn it this way," He held it in his fingertips, "And look into it, it will show you your dreams. But this isn't a gift for an ordinary man who takes care of a bumbling clot. Do you want it? Then forget Arthur."

   "I can't. I appreciate what you're offering, but I want my friend back."

   "Friend?" Martin laughed, "What person wishes their friend away?"

   Douglas growled, "He is my friend!"

   "Douglas… don't defy me." The crystal turned into a snake in his hands and he threw it at Douglas. 

   "Ah!" He yelled, batting it away and it fell to the floor, where it turns into a goblin; all the other goblins poked out of their hiding places and laughed, as soon as Douglas turned around to see them, they went back to hiding.

   "You're no match for me, Douglas." 

   "I think I am," Douglas smirked.

   "Why?" Martin asked, staring darkly into the First Officer's eyes. Suddenly they were standing at the edge of the Labyrinth. Martin's castle was at the centre, beyond the Goblin City. "Because you're Douglas Richardson, the Sky-God? Because I let you win the word games? That's pretend, Douglas. Despite what it looks like; this. is. very. real."

   "But -"

   "He's there, in my castle. Do you still want to look for him?" Martin asked smugly, "Turn back, Douglas. Turn back before it's too late."

   "I can't. Don't you understand that I can't?" Douglas didn't recognise Martin the goblin king; he was so... cruel.

   "What a pity," Martin sighed in pretend tragedy. 

   "It doesn't look that far..." Douglas assured himself more than anyone.

   "It's further than you think, and time is short," He waved his hand and a clock with 13 hours appeared, "You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before everyone becomes like us, forever. Such a pity..." 

   "Wait. What do you mean everyone -" He turned, but Martin was gone. He sighed, he was sure to find out soon enough, "The Labyrinth. It doesn't look that hard..."


	2. I wouldn't go either way

   Outside the Labyrinth, Douglas spotted a short, white haired woman watering some flowers, humming to herself.

   “Excuse me?” Douglas asked.

   “Oh! Excuse me,” She startled, turning to see who it was.

   “Ca-Carolyn!” Douglas gaped. There she was, plain as the day breaking over the famous maze. She was even shorter than usual, her eyes were weary and her clothes were tattered. “God...”

“Oh, it's you,” She sniffed; Alpha-dog as ever, then.

   “Carolyn, can you help me get through this Labyrinth?” Douglas asked.

   “Hmm…” She hummed.

   A fluttering caught Douglas’ eye; and he realised there were some fairies flying around. “Oh, how beautiful…”

   Carolyn sprayed the fairies with some kind of pesticide. “57!” She exclaimed triumphantly.

   “How could you, Carolyn?!” Douglas gasped. These were fairies! They were beautiful! He picked up a fairy. It looked… It looked like Herc’s First Officer, Lynda, who Martin was going to ask on a date! “Poor thing…” He turned to Carolyn, “You monster –! Ouch!” He dropped the fairy, “It bit me!”

   “Ha! What did you expect fairies to do?” Carolyn laughed.

   “I thought they'd do nice things… like granting wishes…” Douglas frowned, looking at the sharp-toothed little –

   “Shows what you actually know, doesn't it?” She sprayed another one, “58!”

   “You're horrible,” Douglas muttered.

   “No, I’m not. I'm doing the job honourable King Martin bid me do.”

   “What? Really?”

   “Of course, I have to,” She sprayed yet another fairy, “59!”

   “Look, do you know where the door to the Labyrinth is?” Douglas asked – more of a groan, really.

   “Maybe,” Carolyn replied curtly.

   “Well… where is it?”

   “I thought you were the clever one?” She sprayed yet another fairy, “60!”

   “I said where is it?” Douglas questioned through gritted teeth.

   “Where is what?” Carolyn asked hautily.

   “The door!” Douglas groaned.

   “What door?”

   “It's hopeless asking you anything!”

   “Not if you ask the right questions,” Carolyn sniffed.

   “How do I get into the Labyrinth?” Douglas asked softly.

   “Ah! Now that's more like it. You get in… there,” She pointed to a large, dark iron door, which opened ominously, “You’re really going in there, are you?”

   “Yes, I'm afraid I have to…” Douglas stepped through the entrance. He looked down the left and then the right. They both looked the same, not even any turns.

   “Cozy isn't it?” Carolyn asked from behind him expectantly, making him give a startled shout. Carolyn laughed, “Now, would you go left or right?”

   “They both look the same to me,” Douglas frowned.

   “Well, you're not going to get very far,” Carolyn commented with a roll of her eyes.

   “Which way would you go?”

   “Me? I wouldn't go either way,” She shrugged disinterestedly.

   “If that's all the help you're gonna me you can just leave,” Douglas huffed.

   “You know your problem, Douglas? You take too much for granted. Take this Labyrinth… Even if you reach the center, you'll never get out again,” Carolyn warned.

   “That's your opinion.”

   “Well it's a lot better than yours.”

   Douglas started to walk right, “Thanks for nothing, Alpha dog,” He called over his shoulder sarcastically.

   “Oh, shut up! And don't say I didn't warn you!” She stormed off and slammed the doors behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duh-duh-duh! Yeah, it will soon become apparent what Martin meant by 'everyone'. :) Please review.


	3. No turnings

   Douglas began walking, but there were no turns or anything. His feet pounded on the dusty stone, stepping over branches and larger rocks and vines. He was becoming frustrated, “What do they mean ‘Labyrinth’? There aren't any turns or corners or anything. This just goes on and on!” He paused, “Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm just taking for granted that it does…” He began to run, but there was still no turns. He stopped and beat his hands against the walls in frustration. “It’s not fair!” He sank down a cracked, mossy wall.

   There was a small voice behind him, “'Ello.”

   He frowned and looked to where the – Australian – voice came from. There was a blue, furry worm looking up at him. “Did you say Hello?” He asked.

   “No, I said 'Ello, but that's close enough,” The worm nodded, almost sagely.

   Wait. Douglas had only heard that voice once, but – “Tommo?”

   “Yep.”

   “What are you doing here, like… that?” Douglas asked, shocked.

   “King Martin, he didn’t like me much – don’t remember why – so he turned me into a worm and put me in the Labyrinth…”

   “What?”

   “Yep, that’s right.”

   “Do you know the way through this Labyrinth?” Douglas asked hopefully.

   “Me? No, I'm just a worm,” What was Tommo laughed slightly, “Come inside and meet me Sheila.”

   “No, thank you. But I have to solve this Labyrinth. There aren't any turns or openings; it just goes on and on,” Douglas despaired.

   “It's full of openings, it's just you ain't seen 'em,” Tommo laughed.

   “Where are they?”

   “There's one right in front of you.”

   Douglas studied the wall with his eyes, “No, there isn't.”

   “Come inside and have a drink,” Tommo offered.

   “But there isn't an opening,” Douglas frowned.

   “Of course there is. Try walking through it, you'll see what I mean,” Tommo advised.

   “What?”

   “Go on, then.”

Douglas hauled himself up and walked towards the wall, “That's just a wall, there's no way through.”

   “Things aren't always what they seem in this place, so you can't take anything for granted.”

   Douglas kept walking, hands outstretched, and realized that he could actually walk through the wall, seeing two new turnings. He didn’t give Martin enough credit. “Thank you, Tommo.” He turned left and began to walk.

   “Hey! Hang on!” Tommo called.

   Douglas poked his head back around the wall. “Thank you. That was incredibly helpful,” He smiled before continuing.

   “But don't go that way!”

   Douglas frowned and went back, “What was that?”

   “Don't go that way. Never go that way!”

   “Oh! Thank you, you aren’t half bad!” Douglas turned and went the the opposite direction.

   Tommo sighed, “If he had kept on going down that way, he'd have gone straight to that castle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having so much fun! Please review! :)


	4. Dance magic dance

   Douglas could see the castle from a distance, he could do it. “I'm coming, Arthur.”

~*~

   In Martin’s castle, Arthur was choking on his sobs; he was terrified. The goblins were all laughing and having a good time. Martin was draped over his throne in new clothes; grey leggings, a white ruffled shirt, and a black leather mini-waistcoat. He tapped his jewel-topped cane on his calf, obviously bored, until he stood up suddenly and grabbed a random goblin by the neck. Music started from nowhere.

**_You remind me of the babe._ **

   “What babe?” It asked.

**_The babe with the power._ **

   “What power?”

**_The power of voodoo._ **

   “Who do?”

**_You do._ **

   “Do what?”

**_Remind me of the babe._ **

   The goblins laughed.

   “QUIET!” Martin ordered, “A goblin babe.” He laughed alone, “Well?”

He and the goblins laughed together. Martin held his cane as a microphone.

**_I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry._ **

**_What could I do?_ **

**_My baby's love had gone, and left my baby blue._ **

**_Nobody knew_ **

**_What kind of magic spell to use._ **

_Slime and snails._

_Or a puppy dog's tail._

_Thunder or lighting._

**_And baby said._ **

   Martin smiled, pointing at Arthur; the steward giggled.

**_Dance magic dance._ **

**_Dance magic dance._ **

**_Dance magic dance._ **

**_Put that baby spell on me._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Put that magic jump on me._ **

_Slap that baby._

_Make him free!_

~*~

   Douglas was walking around in the Labyrinth. He put his hand in his pockets, but felt something… It was a marker pen! Yes!

   He made a mark on one of the stone tiles on the floor to tell him the direction he was going.

   When he turns his back a goblin popped up out of a hole under the tile and flipped it over. “Hey what's going on? It's a writing on the fragging walk walk. Your mother is a fraggin' aardvark!”

~*~

   “In 9 hours and 23 minutes, you'll be mine,” He smiled to Arthur, pointing at the thirteen hour clock. The goblins laughed.

**_I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try._ **

**_What could I do?_ **

**_My baby's fun had gone, and left my baby blue._ **

**_Nobody knew_ **

**_What kind of magic spell to use._ **

_Slime and snails._

_Puppy dog's tails._

_Thunder or lightening._

**_Then baby said…_ **

   “Brilliant!” Arthur enthused.

**_Dance magic dance._ **

**_Dance magic dance._ **

**_Dance magic._ **

**_Put that baby spell on me._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Put that magic jump on me._ **

_Slap that baby._

_Make him free._

**_Dance magic dance._ **

**_Dance magic dance._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Jump magic jump._ **

**_Put that baby spell on me._ **

~*~

   Two goblins changed Douglas’ mark when he wasn’t looking. “You got it?”

   “I got it.”

   “Good.”

   “Shhh!”

   Douglas reached a dead end and turned around, only to see that his mark had been changed. “Someone has been changing my marks! What a horrible place this is. It's not fair!”

   “That's right! It's not fair,” Another voice agreed.

   Douglas turned around and saw that the dead end now had two doors. Each door was guarded. There were two guard figures for each door – but there was a head on the top and one on the bottom and a large shield covered the creatures’ torsos. The guards laughed. “Wait… Mr Birling?”

“That's only half of it,” Another head added.

   “Are you… All Mr Birling?”

   “Douglas, old chap! How are you?”

   “God, first Carolyn, then Tommo, now you! Who next!”

   “I don’t know what you’re talking about; but King Martin put us here to guard the doors.”

   “This was a dead end a minute ago…” Douglas insisted.

   “No, that's the dead end behind you,” Another guard pointed behind Douglas, who turned to look. They were right.

   “It keeps changing! What am I supposed to do?” Douglas huffed.

   “Try one of these doors.” The second guard gestured.

   “One of them leads to the castle at the center of the Labyrinth, and the other one leads to…”

   “Ba ba ba bum!”

   “… Certain death!”

   “Ooh!”

   “Which one is which?” Douglas asked.

   “We can't tell you…”

   “Why not?” Douglas frowned.

   “Uh, I uh… We don't know.”

   “But they do.” The bottom halves of the guards looked up at the other half guards.

   “Oh. Then I'll ask them…” Douglas stated.

   “Uh, you can't ask us… You can only ask one of us.”

   “It's in the rules. And you should know that one of us always tells the truth, and one of us always lies. That's a rule too; he,” He pointed to the other guard, “Always lies.”

   “I do not! I tell the truth!”

   “Oh what a lie!”

   “He's the liar.”

   Douglas walked over to one of the guards. “All right. Answer yes or no. Would he,” he pointed at the other guard, “Tell me that this door leads to the castle?”

   “Uh…” The guard ducked into the shield and whispered to his other half, “What do you think? Really?” He turned to Douglas, “Yes.”

   “Then the other door leads to the castle and this door leads to certain death,” Douglas stated.

   “How do you know? He could be telling the truth.”

   “But then you wouldn't be. So if you said yes, the answer is no,” Douglas informed.

   “But, I could be telling the truth.”

   “Then he would be lying. So if you told me that he said yes, the answer would still be no,” Douglas pointed out.

   “Is that right?”

   “I don't know. I've never understood it.”

   “No, it's right. It's a piece of cake; because I am Douglas Richardson!” He smiled smugly as he walked through the door he picked and almost immediately fell through a trap door into a tunnel filled with gripping, tearing hands.

   “Ah!” The hands caught him before he fell all the way to the bottom. “Help! Stop it! Help!”

   “What do you mean ‘Help’?” One of the hands asked, “We are helping. We're helping hands.”

   “You're hurting me!”

   “Would you like us to let go?” They let go.

   “No!” Douglas yelled.

   They caught him again. “Well then, come on. Which way?”

   “Which way? Up or down? Come on! Come on! We haven't got all day! Well it's a big decision to make. Which way do you want to go, hmmm? Yes, which way?”

   Douglas, dizzy and flustered, replied, “Well, since I'm pointed that way, I suppose I'll go down.”

   “He chose down. He chose _down_?”

   “Wait –!”

   “Too late now. Ha ha ha.” They let go of him and he fell down into a darkened room.

   “Ah! AH!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep imagining Martin in those costumes - I've been smiling non-stop for ages! Please review! 
> 
> (Just to say, art is more than welcome if anyone gets inspired :D)


	5. Oubliette

   In the Throne Room of the castle, Martin was staring into a crystal ball, watching Douglas, surrounded by goblins. “He's in the Oubliette…”

   The goblins laughed in triumph.

   “Shut up! He never should have made it this far. He should have given up by now…” Martin pouted.

   “She'll never give up,” A goblin croaked.

   “The dwarf is about to lead him back to the beginning. He'll give up when he realizes he has to start all over again,” Martin laughed, “Well, laugh.”

   They all cackled.

~*~

   It was completely dark in the Oubliette. Douglas had finally realised who the voices of the hands belonged too – the many annoying customers MJN had had since Martin had been there. He heard some footsteps. “Who's there?”

   “Carolyn,” She lit a candle so they could see around the room.

   “Oh, it's you,” Douglas stated blandly.

   “Oh, yes well… I knew you were going to get into trouble the minute I saw you entering the Labyrinth, Douglas; so I've come to give you some help,” She saw him looking around, “Oh, you're looking around. I suppose you've noticed there aren't any doors – only the hole. This is an Oubliette, the Labyrinth's full of them.”

   “Oh, I didn't know that,” Douglas drawled.

   “Don't act so smart, Douglas. You probably don't even know what an Oubliette is,” Carolyn huffed, folding her arms in front of her chest.

   “I do, actually. It's a place you put people to forget about them –”

“Well done, Douglas; a gold star. Now, what you've got to do is get out of here and it just so happens that I know a short cut out of the whole Labyrinth –”

   “No! I'm not giving up now. I've come too far. No, I'm doing okay,” Douglas assured.

   “Of course you are. But it gets a lot worse from here on in.”

   “Why are you so concerned about me?” Douglas asked, narrowing his eyes.

   “Uh, what? Well, I am, that's all. Nice handsome pilot, terrible black Oubliette.”

   “You like jewellery, don't you?” Douglas asked.

   “Why?”

   “If you help me solve the Labyrinth, I'll give you this,” Douglas took off his crown and showed it to Carolyn, “You like it don't you?”

   “Uh… so, so…”

   “Oh, ok.”

   “Tell you what, you give me the crown and I'll show you the way out of the whole Labyrinth.”

   “You were gonna do that anyway!”

   “Yes, well that's what would make it a particularly nice gesture on your part,” Carolyn smiled, hands behind her back.

   “No, I'll tell you what… take me as far as you can, then I'll do it on my own.”

   “What is that, anyway?” Carolyn asked.

   “Plastic,” Douglas shrugged.

   “Ooh. Well, I don't promise anything, but I'll take you as far as I can, then you're on your own, right?”

   “Right.”

   “Right,” Douglas gave her the crown, “Cor! Plastic. Worth a lot here…” She clipped the crown to her belt, “Here we go,” Carolyn lifted a door up from the floor and placed it against a wall. She pulled out a set of keys and opened the door one way revealing a broom closet. “Ah. Damn closet!” She closed the door, “Well, you can't be right all the time…” She locked the door and then unlocked it and opened it the other way, revealing a tunnel entrance, “Ah, this is it! Come on then. This way!”

   They entered the tunnel and started walking. There were many rock faces on the walls, giving them false information.

   “Don't go on.”

   “Go back while you still can.”

   “This is not the way.”

   “Take heed, and go no further.”

   “Beware! Beware!”

   “Soon it will be too late.”

   “Ignore them,” Carolyn waved off, “They're just false alarms. You get them in the Labyrinth, especially when you're on the right track.”

   “Oh, no you're not.”

   “Oh, shut up!” Carolyn scolded.

   “Sorry, just doing my job.”

   “Beware, for the –”

   “Just forget it!” Carolyn chastened.

   “Oh, please!” The young, Irish, female voice asked, “I haven't said it for such a long time.”

   “Oh, all right. But don't expect a big reaction,” Carolyn sniffed.

   “No, no, no… Of course not,” it cleared its throat, “Beware! For the path you take will lead to certain destruction! Thank you very much.”

   “Hang on! Shanwick ATC?” Douglas asked.

   “A long time ago…”

   “Dear God!”

   A crystal ball rolled by Douglas and Carolyn, and they followed it; coming across an old goblin. “Ah. What have we here?” It croaked.

   “Ah, nothing,” Carolyn lied.

   “Nothing? Nothing?” The goblin threw off its disguise to reveal Martin, “Nothing, tra la la?”

   “Your majesty!” Carolyn bowed, “What a nice surprise!”

   “Carolyn, are you helping Douglas?” Martin asked.

   “H-h-helping? In what sense?” Carolyn asked.

   “In the sense that you were leading him towards the castle,” Martin glared icily.

   “I was taking him back to the beginning,” Carolyn stated.

   “What?!” Douglas exclaimed.

   “I told him I would help him, a little trickery on my part, but actually –”

   “What is that plastic thing clipped on your belt?” Martin asked.

   “Oh. Oh, this! Oh, my goodness. Where did this come from?”

   “If I thought for one second that you were betraying me, I'd be forced to suspend you head first into the bog of eternal stench!” Martin announced.

   “No, your majesty! Not the eternal stench!” Carolyn begged, Douglas couldn’t help but let his blood run cold. Carolyn was _begging_.

   “Oh yes, Carolyn! And you, Douglas; how are you enjoying my Labyrinth?” Martin asked with an evil smile.

   “It's a piece of cake…” Douglas told him, voice slightly thick. Carolyn groaned.

   “Really? Then how about upping the stakes?” Martin asked, turning the clock forward a couple of hours.

   “That's not fair!”

   “You say that so often. I wonder what your basis for comparison is. You say the Labyrinth's a piece of cake? Well…” Martin conjured a crystal ball into his hand, “Let's see how you deal with this little slice.” He threw the crystal down the tunnel, turning into some type of machine that headed straight towards Douglas and Carolyn. Martin disappeared.

   “Oh, no! Not the cleaners!” Carolyn hollered.

   “What?!”

   “Run!” They ran.

   Carolyn fell down but Douglas helped her up. “Oh! Are you alright? Come on! Faster!”

   They managed to knock down a section of the tunnel and get inside. They then watched as the Cleaners go by harmlessly. “Oh! The cleaners! The bog of stench! You sure got his attention!” Carolyn moaned, before noticing a ladder, “Ah! This is what we need… a ladder. Follow me.” She began to climb the ladder.

   “I can't trust you. You were taking me back to the beginning,” Douglas frowned.

   “I wasn't. I told _him_ that to throw him of the scent.”

   “How can I believe anything you say?”

   “Let me put it this way, Douglas. What choice do you have?”

   “You're right,” Douglas conceded, starting to climb the ladder himself

   “See, you've got to understand my position. I'm not usually a coward, but Martin… scares me.”

   “What kind of position is that?”

   “No position. That's my point. You wouldn't be so brave if you'd ever smelt the Bog of Eternal Stench. It's… It's… Ah… Yuck.”

   “Is that all it does is smell?”

   “Believe me _that's_ enough. But the worst thing is if you put so much as a foot in the Bog of Stench you'll smell bad for the rest of your life. It'll never wash off!” They came to the top of the ladder, “Ah, here we are then,” And climb out into the Labyrinth, “You're on your own from now on.”

   “What?”

   “That's it. I quit.”

   “Wait a minute, Carolyn!”

   “I said I'd take you as far as I could.”

   “You little cheat. You nasty little cheat!”

   “Now don't try to embarrass me. I've got no pride.”

   “Oh really?” Douglas grabbed her bag of jewels off her belt and held it high where she couldn't get to them.

   “But they’re mine!” She reached up as far as she could to try and get them back, “Oh! You give them back! Give them back! Give those back to me!”

   “Now, there's the castle. Which way should we try?”

   “They’re my rightful property! It's not fair!”

   “No, it isn't. But it seems that's the way it is!”

   They turned and saw a very old man walking towards them. He had a live chicken that he wore as a hat.

   “Oh…”

   “Hmmm?” Carolyn hummed.

   “Excuse me, please, but can you help me?” Douglas asked.

   “Oh! Douglas…” The old man addressed.

   “Who? Who? Who?” The hat asked.

   “And Carolyn?” The man asked.

   “Phil?!” Douglas gasped.

   “And George, thanks Douglas!” The chicken hat huffed.

   “Oh God…”

   “I what are you two doing working together?” Phil asked.

   “She’s my friend,” Douglas stated, and Carolyn gave him a funny look.

   “Oh. What can I do for you?” Phil asked.

   “I have to the castle at the center of the Labyrinth. Do you know the way?” Douglas asked.

   “Ah.” Phil’s eyes widened slightly.

   “Ah.” George somewhat squarked.

   “Eh?” Phil questioned.

   “Eh?” George repeated.

   “Oh, yes. Huh. You want to go to the castle?” Phil inquired.

   “How that for brainpower, huh?” George crowed.

   “Be quiet!” Phil ordered.

   “Ah, nuts!”

   “Sometimes the way forward is also the way back,” Phil advised.

   “Will you listen to this crap!” George clucked.

   “Will you please be quiet!”

“All right.”

   “Ok?”

   “Ok.”

“All right.”

   “All right. Sorry.”

   “Finished?”

   “Yes.”

   “Quite often, Douglas, it seems like we're not getting anywhere, when in fact…”

   “We are,” George interrupted.

   “We are.”

   “I'm not getting anywhere at the moment,” Douglas admitted.

   “Ha! Join the club,” George squarked. He looked down and saw that Phil had fallen asleep, “I think that's your lot. Please leave a contribution in the little box.”

   Douglas reaches for Carolyn’s bag of jewels. “Don't you dare! They’re mine!”

   “Well, I guess I can spare this; I was going to give it to my daughter, but she has enough gifts…” Douglas shrugged, taking a necklace out of his pocket and dropped it in the box.

   “Thank you very much,” George thanked.

   “You didn't have to give him that. He didn't tell you anything,” Carolyn insisted as they left.

   “Well, well then. There go a couple of suckers,” George squarked, Phil snored, “Ah, it's so stimulating being your hat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review! :)


	6. It's a present

   Carolyn and Douglas had kept walking; they were now in another part of the Labyrinth. “Why did you say I’m your friend?” Carolyn asked.

   “Because you are. You're not much of a friend,” Douglas shrugged, Carolyn snorted, “But you're the only one I've got in here…”

   “Friend, hm? I like that. I haven't got any friends in here, either…” Suddenly, they heard something screaming and growling. “Oh! Good-bye!”

   “Wait a minute!” Douglas ordered, “Are you my friend or not?”

   “No! I’m not anyone's friend. I look after myself, like everyone. I am my own friend.” She ran off.

   “Carolyn! You coward!!” Douglas yelled as she retreated, more growling in the distance, “Well, I'm not afraid. Things aren't always what they seem in this place.”

   He turned the corner and saw a large, hair monster, hung upside down. Some guards from the palace were making a sport of him. “Grrrr….arggg!”

   “Try this for size, you big Yeti!”

   “We got you now, fuzzball!” It laughed.

   “Grrrr….arggg!”

   The Goblin Guards went after the beast with a type of stick with a little creature on the end. The creature bites whatever it came in contact with, which just happened to be the creature. “If I only had something to throw…” Douglas muttered to himself.

   The prisoner howled and a hand sized rock rolled next to Douglas' feet. He saw it and picked it up.

   “Bit him on the teriyaki! Saki to him! Saki to him!” One laughed.

Douglas threw the rock and it hit one of the guards on the head, swinging its helmet around so it couldn't see. “Oh, what happened?! Who turned out the lights? I can't see. Ahh!!”

   It ran into another goblin and hit him with the little creature, which bit it. “Hey, why'd you bite me?”

   “Who bite who?”

   “Why'd you bite me?”

   “I can't see! I can't see!”

   Douglas threw another rock.

   “We're under attack! Retreat!!”

   “Oh, my aching tushi!”

   The goblins all ran off and still tried to get away from Douglas, ending up getting lost in the Labyrinth.

   As soon as they were gone Douglas went up to the beast and tried to help him. “Yarrgh!!!”

   “Now stop that,” Douglas corrected.

   “Yarrgh!! Hmm?”

   “That's no way to treat someone who you owe a massive favour.”

   “Hmmm…”

   “Don't you want me to help you down?” Douglas asked with a raised eyebrow.

   “Dirk down,” The beast sighed.

   “Dirk? Is that you? What has Martin done to you?”

   “Mean…”

   “Oh, and you seem like such a nice beast. Well, I certainly hope you are what you seem… Just wait a minute. I'll get you down,” Douglas saw the rope knotted around a tree root, “Just a second. Uh!” Douglas undid the knot and Dirk fell to the ground. “Oh, I’m sorry. Dirk, are you hurt?”

   “Oh… ah… huh? Oh. Friend?” Dirk asked.

   “That’s right, Dirk. Here, let me help you,” Douglas helped Dirk sit up, “Are you okay?”

   “Douglas. Douglas friend. Yeah!”

   Oh Lord; he was worse than Arthur. “No, wait. Just a second. I want to ask you something…”

   “Huh… what?”

   “Do you know the way to the castle at the center of the Labyrinth?”

   “Hmmm… ah… uh… no.”

   “Of course,” Douglas deadpanned, “I wonder if _anyone_ knows how to get through this Labyrinth.”

~*~

   Carolyn was walking along, all by herself, in another part of the Labyrinth. “Get through the Labyrinth? Get through the Labyrinth? On thing's for sure, he'll never get through the Labyrinth…” She muttered to herself.

~*~

   Douglas had turned away for just a moment, but when he turned back there were two doors where there were none before and both of the doors had knockers. The knockers looked like faces; one of them had the actual knocker hanging in its mouth, and the other had the knocker hanging from its ears. “Where did they come from?” Douglas frowned.

   “Hmm?” Dirk hummed as they approached the doors.

   “What do you think, Dirk? Which should choose out of these two ugly characters?” Douglas smirked.

   “It's very rude to stare!” Douglas jumped at the exclamation from the _door knocker_ with the ring through its ears.

   Douglas recovered himself quickly. “I was just wondering which door to choose.”

   The one with the knocker in its mouth mumbled something unintelligible.

   “Don't talk with your mouth full!” The other knocker chastened.

   “I'm not talking with my mouth full!” The knocker mumbled.

   “Wait, I can't understand you.” He took the knocker out of his mouth.

   “What were you saying?!” The deafened door knocker asked.

   He finally placed its voice, “Mrs SB?!”

   “Ah… oh… oh… it is so good to get that thing out!” The other door knocker exclaimed.

   “Gordon!” Douglas gasped.

   “Yeah, King Martin thought shutting me up like this would be funny…”

   “What were you saying?” Douglas changed the subject, he need

   “It's no good talking to her, she's deaf as a post,” Gordon laughed.

   “Mumble, mumble, mumble. You're a wonderful conversationalist,” Mrs SB complained.

   “You should talk, all you do is moan.

   “No good,” Mrs SB sniffed, “Can't hear you.” Gordon sighed in frustration.

   “Where do these doors lead?” Douglas asked.

   “What?” Mrs SB asked.

   “Search me, we're just the knockers,” Gordon laughed.

   Douglas tried to open the door, but couldn’t, “How do I get through?”

   “Knock and the door will open,” Gordon informed in his best ominous voice – not being very convincing, really.

   Douglas turned to get the knocker from Dirk, only to discover that he'd put it in his mouth. “Ludo,” Douglas sighed.

   “Huh… huh…” Douglas took the knocker out of Dirk’s mouth, “Ah…”

   “I don't want that back in my mouth,” Gordon complained, closing his mouth so he wouldn't have to take the knocker back.

   “I want to knock,” Douglas rolled his eyes.

   “Doesn't want his ring back in his mouth, eh? Can't say I blame him,” Mrs SB commented.

   Douglas sighed and pinched Gordon’s nose so he couldn't breathe. After a minute, he gasped for air and Douglas stuck the ring back in his mouth. “Sorry,” Douglas said sarcastically, “Remind me to congratulate Martin.” He knocked and the door opened, “Come on Dirk.”

   They went through the door and it slammed shut behind them; they were in a forest. “Huh? Ooh… Dirk scared…” Dirk sighed.

   “Oh, give me your hand. Come on. Imagine a big thing like you being scared,” Douglas rolled his eyes.

   “Yeah.”

   Douglas let go of Dirk's hand and walked a few steps in front of him. “See, Dirk, there's nothing to be afraid of.”

   “Oh!” Dirk fell through a trap door and disappeared.

   “Dirk? Dirk? Dirk, where are you? Dirk!”

~*~

   Carolyn was still walking.

   “Carolyn, help!” Douglas yelled, far away.

   “I'm coming, Sarah!” Carolyn announced, softening at hearing Douglas, of all people, cry for help.

   She turned back the way she was coming from, almost running into Martin. “Well, if it isn't you. And where are you going?”

   “Uh, well, Douglas gave me the slip, but I just heard him now. So I was about to lead him back to the beginning like you told me,” She lied.

   “I see. For one moment, I thought you were running to help her. But, uh, no, not after my warnings, that would be stupid,” Martin smirked.

   “You bet it would! Me? Help him? After your warnings?” She laughed.

   “Oh, dear. Poor Carolyn. I've just noticed your lovely jewels are missing…”

   “Uh, oh, yes, so they are. My lovely jewels; missing.”

   “Dirk!” Douglas yelled in the distance.

   “I'd better find them. But first, I'm off to take the lady to the beginning of the Labyrinth,” Carolyn nodded with faux-determination.

   “Wait! I've got a much better plan. Give her this.” Martin tossed Carolyn a crystal, with turned into a peach in her hands.

   “W-what is it?” Carolyn questioned.

   “It's a present,” Martin smirked.

   “Will it hurt him?”

   “Now, why the concern?” Martin frowned.

   “I won't do anything to harm him,” Carolyn informed.

   “Come, Alpha dog! I'm surprised at you; you don't think a pilot like him could like a little old lady like you, do you?” Martin asked, voice filled with fake sympathy.

   “Well, he said we were…” Carolyn began.

   “What? Bosom companions? Friends?” Martin inquired, his voice dangerously dark.

   “Ah… doesn't matter,” Carolyn dismissed.

   “You'll give him that, Carolyn, or I'll dip you head first into the Bog of Eternal Stench!” Martin threatened.

   “Yes, right.” She started to leave, but stopped as Martin continued talking.

   “And, Carolyn; if he ever kisses you, I'll turn you into a queen,” Martin smiled.

   “You… you will?” Carolyn asked.

   “Queen of the Land of Stench!” Martin laughed cruelly as he disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favourite line, that one; "Queen of the Land of Stench!" Please review.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review.


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